A Self Portrait

"These are all the elements of me"

Nothing has haunted me more throughout these past four years than any question of identity. 

Who am I? 

What am I?  

What do I want?

 Where will I go? 

All of these questions, and undoubtedly many more, each contribute to the construction of our personal and cultural identities. In some ways they are impossible to answer. In others, the answers can be rather simple. But how do we know what is true? How can we be sure that the face we are showing the world is the real one? 

We can't. 

We simply have to trust. And learn. And grow. 

A Picture Paints A Thousand Words has hopefully provided you all with a brief insight into my life as a musician and some of the people who have helped in the construction of this life. It has also permitted me to explore the extent to which each musician has impacted upon who I am both musically and spiritually. Each person you have read about represents a different factor within my musical world: encouragement, support, belief, understanding, reassurance, optimism and pride. It is imperative to recognise, as I have tried to do here, that the things, the people and the places all around you have such a significant impact upon who you are or who you are going to be, and to appreciate that wherever possible. So to them, I dedicate this Creative Arts Project.

The world is full of beauty and love and life: you just have to find that one thing that makes you believe it - that one thing that makes you, you.

As for me, it's always been music. 

It's my blood. 

It's my soul.

It's me. 

Who am I?

x

Don't Forget The Root

"My first piano came from a skip"

I think one of the most important things in life is to remember where we came from. It is true that most of us will try and make the best lives possible for ourselves and for our families and why shouldn't we? The thing is, most of us won't look back. But why? From shame? From snobbery? What's the point in being where you want to be if you're not going to recognise how you got there? It's the journey that counts.

Emma Sinclair is an exceptional musician. She's married to music. RSAMD graduate, piano teacher, musical director for numerous stage shows in Scotland and secretary of the South West Scotland Centre for the Incorporated Society of Musicians: she's definitely earned her place. And how did she get there? By listening to the voice in her heart that was telling her ten year old self to play and by subsequently pulling a piano out of a skip because she had no other choice!

A lot people these days have everything handed to them because their parents want to give them everything they were never able to have as kids. And sure, that's what parents are for. I just think it can get a little out of hand these days. Where's the work ethic? Where's the discipline? Music takes time and dedication. It takes time to learn an instrument, to read music, to write a song, to record it. You have to work for it. But if you're not willing to work, how can you ever get there?

I reckon for some people it just comes naturally. Like Emma. But the one thing she's maintained throughout her entire career is where she came from. I think she holds onto that to prove to herself that she deserves to be where she is. And she does deserve to be where she is because she's earned it. She has the career to prove it. 

We never know where we're going to end up in life - just make sure that wherever you are, you don't forget your roots: if you lose those then you never existed.

Love EllieMac x

Music and Me

"Creating music saved me from a life dominated by paranoia and anxiety"

We never know how things are going to affect us. As human beings I think we have a tendency to believe we're somewhat invincible; that it could never happen to us. Until something does happen and we don't understand why we react in the ways that we do. I remember the first time something happened to me. Well it wasn't just me; it was my friends too. We lost someone. An incredible someone. There's always been this barrier ever since and we've never quite been the same again. We don't talk about it much, or at all really, but I know we all feel it. Anyway, that's when the insomnia started. I had no idea what was going on - I'd always been a reasonably good sleeper - but I guess it was just my body's strange way of dealing with what had happened, or not dealing as the case may have been.

I think it was the music that brought me back to life in the end. It always amazed me how something so general can be so empowering. Music is everywhere and I think a lot of the time that's taken for granted, but what if we stopped to listen for just a minute? What if you lay down with your favourite song, closed your eyes and really listened? What would you notice? Give it a try, just to see.

I met Fiona Liddell just over a year ago and my very first thought was 'this is why I love music'. She has this innate ability to speak to your soul; to convey the most complex and intricate feeling within one simple line. She is living proof that music is a state of being; a passage into the netherworld - it is not a physical entity, you cannot see music: it is entirely spiritual. It's a connection. 

And at the end of the day isn't that what we're all searching for? A connection I mean. A connection with someone or even to something that keeps us safe; that can save us in time of trouble. I guess it all comes down to love - the most powerful connection of all. It's the love that brings us back from the edge. 

Edgar Allan Poe once said "we loved with a love that was more than love" and I have never understood him more.

Love EllieMac x

The Misfits

"Marilyn Monroe is the reason why we make music"

Every woman knows the tale of Marilyn Monroe. She was an icon; a cultural phenomenon. She was the epitome of beauty and defined true femininity. But she was also broken; marred by a sadly short lifetime of brutal fame and fortune. 

We all have our own influencial experiences and they play such a significant part in the construction of who we are. Look at Marshall Mathers - he's taken a lifetime of personal experience and turned it into an incredibly successful career as Eminem. How?  Because it's pure; it's raw; it's true - and people love the truth, no matter how brutal or painful, because they can relate. Those experiences made him into the person he is today and showed the world that these things do happen; that they happened to him and that he found the strength to overcome them.

Thus, it is the way in which we control the influence of these experiences that marks the rise or fall of the great. 

I recently spent an afternoon with Ashley Little and Kathryn Macdonald and was intrigued to discover the reason why they create music: Marilyn Monroe. 

It got me thinking about influences. Why are people so heavily influenced by things? What draws them in? I suppose it all goes back to Pierre Bourdieu and his habitus. We all contribute to an incredibly judgemental society today and it's important to recognise that. Bourdieu believes that the habitus is more or less what we are: we can't help what we like or dislike, how we feel or how we react to things as they're all embedded within our persons due to our upbringings and surroundings, dictating our corresponding social classes. One thing that must be noted however is the ability of the habitus to evolve - society is constantly changing hence our habitus, and therefore views and opinions and thoughts and feelings, will evolve over time. It's all very intricate and delicate and heavily relies upon balance. 

Anyway, the ability to relate is important to the societal habitus - it's what separates and combines us. So, when Ashley and Kathryn disclosed the origin of their inspiration, I was amazed. Who knows exactly which aspects of Marilyn Monroe and her life inspired them to write - who cares?! The point is they could relate to this incredible and iconic woman on a highly spiritual level and bring something so beautiful and pure out of it.

Inspiration is key so no matter where it comes from, always make sure you keep it close to your heart.

Love EllieMac x

Who Are You?

"I began drumming at the age of 6 because I wanted to wake everybody up at 8am every morning!"

It's been four years now since I first met Emma McLaughlin. I can't really remember what my first impression was to be honest - have you ever just met someone out of the blue and that was it? No questions asked? We were both so young and impressionable back then anyway so everything was pretty much a blur. It's only within the last couple of years though that Emma and I really became friends.

Incase you hadn't guessed it; she's a drummer. And an excellent one at that. What I love most though is the reason why she became a drummer. Cute, no? A lot of people (perhaps those who are not so musically oriented?) may suggest that drumming is a boys talent, for example, when Helene Stapinski (previously the drummer for New York band Stephonic) began to play it was only boys who were permitted drum lessons in school. Yes, it's true that times have changed since then - the tomboy in me still remembers that glorious day in Primary School when girls were finally allowed to wear trousers as part of the uniform - but it seems to me that, as much as times have changed and the liberties of women have indeed evolved to become equal with those of men (to an extent), old habits die hard. 

Undoubtedly there are countless female drummers within the music industry today - Meg White of The White Stripes, Jennifer Dunn of Mindless Self Indulgence, Janet Weiss, to name a few - but how many of you have really noticed them? I know I didn't until I started looking.

Where's the support? 

Emma and I got lucky. We grew up with parents who understood the value of creativity and the power that comes with the passion of music. But what of those who aren't so lucky? What about the little girl, aged 6, who so desperately wants to play the drums for whatever reason but never has the opportunity because her parents are too busy planning her future as the next Einstein or Prime Minister or even President of the USA? Perhaps not always feasible but hey, a lot of parents like to dream big for their kids.

People like Me and Emma though, we need music like we need the air to breathe and without it, we would not be who we are today. The question of identity is impossible to answer. Who are you? What makes you, you? I guess a lot of it's to do with instinct. My instinct tells me that I'm a musician first but I have a burning desire to become a writer and a photographer at some point in my life. It tells me that to inflict pain and hurt is wrong and that I want to help people and create beauty in this world because I have to believe that there is better than constant death and carnage. I don't know why I want or feel or know these things, I just do. It's instinct.  It's me. And isn't that what life's about? Following your instincts and exploring new things and places and people and being the best person that you can along the way? Learning from others and using it to your advantage? I know this isn't true for everyone or doesn't always work in the favour of 'good' - if it was then why do we have terrorists in the world? - but to me it's why we're here. So if you're instinct is telling you to play the drums or become a doctor or a teacher or whatever, listen to it and follow it through - no matter what.

Love and let live. Because you never know who you're gonna be. 

Love EllieMac x

The Essence of Cool

"I started singing because I wanted to be the Little Mermaid"

The first time I saw Sarah Beth-Brown perform was at the Glasgow Film Festival earlier this year and I was immediately blown away. Maybe it's just me but new(ish) performers these days just don't seem to have that same ability to stun me into silence anymore, so when Sarah did just that, I was hooked.

Sarah is the lead singer and bassist of Glasgow band Hot Water Ponies and also has her own solo thing going on with her act Born By Wires. She's worked with musical legend Craig Armstrong and hung out with Scottish actor Allan Cummings. All round I'd say she's a pretty cool person. But what is 'cool'? Who decides if we are 'cool' or not and to what end?

Michel de Montaigne (1533-92) wrote of the necessity of people to have the capability of self-control and self-invention as only with such skills could one be considered 'cool' within society. So if society dictates whether or not we merit the label of 'cool' by way of the trends we follow or by the way in which we present ourselves in public as who we are, to what extent can the construction of identity truly be genuine? We all want to be considered as cool by someone at some point or another in our lives; it is human nature to crave acceptance so if we are constructed on the need for acceptance, how can we ever show who we truly are?

I'm reminded once again of the story of Batman and Bruce Wayne - two entites; one man. Our need to be considered as cool a front to protect who we really are inside. 

I once read somewhere that through the close-up camera shot, thoughts are made visible and I truly believe that through this image of Sarah Beth-Brown we can see into her memories back to the beginning, sitting in her grandmothers bin-shed singing Disney songs at the top of her voice. Some may not think of that as very 'cool' but hey, at least it's true.

Love EllieMac x

A Tale of Two Sisters

"I broke into Brandon Flowers dressing room after his o2 Academy gig!"

An angelic smile as if butter wouldn't melt.

I've known Faye Davidson her whole life. Growing up together not 50 yards from each other, we had a wonderful suburban childhood that was deeply influenced by music and culture. Our parents had come from less than fortunate backgrounds and so they worked incredibly hard to make lives for themselves in a better place filled with arts and culture in order to give us all the opportunities that they never had. And they did. Sometimes I still think we don't appreciate just how lucky we are though.

I think mostly it came from our Dads. The music, I mean. Growing up in the 60's and 70's undoubtedly had a lasting impact upon them and let's face it; that's pretty much where it began. The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Who. Those were the greats and they've lasted forever.

Anyway, growing up we were bombarded with music. We were both given the opportunities to play the violin, the piano, the guitar, even the recorder! Along with playing all of these instruments we spent so much of our time raiding and exploring our parents CD and Vinyl collections - much to their displeasure.

We did pretty much all of it together. I remember going to Orchestra every Saturday morning where we played First Violin together and we did nothing but protest it the whole time, as your average 13 year old would, but looking back I'm glad we did it. It gave us a broader grounding in music which a lot of people just don't get these days. Neither of us play the violin anymore though...I don't really know why.

Growing up and developing this addiction together was an incredible experience. Having someone so close who completely understood, and still understands, the power of music and the intense connection that can develop is priceless.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Love EllieMac x